


Swallowed by the Sea

by sapphicalexandra



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Hurt, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3615081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon Divergent, set after 2x14 Love in the time of Hydra. The ride of Fitz and Simmons back to each other. It doesn't take into account the Shield vs Shield plot, and Skye was never sent away to the safe house.<br/>---<br/>Simmons comes to a drastic conclusion, but first she needs to explain a few things to Fitz.<br/>When he recieves her messages, it becomes a race between the Team and time...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swallowed by the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> First fic in a while and on AOS - Fitzsimmons just makes me feel things, plus the bitterness is high regarding the treatment of Simmons lately, basically the fact that her point of view hasn't really been shown. God help the girl, because if she doesn't get help soon, i really think what i've wrote here could well happen. Even if not so drastic, i think she will reach her breaking point eventually, if they give her the space to have one...
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing of course, all belongs to Marvel etc.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simmons has come to a drastic conclusion, but first she needs to explain a few things to Fitz.  
> Why she left, what she's been through, what he means to her, among other things. What has still been left unsaid by the show...

Jemma really didn’t understand why it had took her so long. Yet the signs had been there all along, and she had seen them, _heard_ them, so loud and clear they still reverberated all over her mind.

_“…then **you** had to drag us into this flying circus!” _

          “He’s **_your_** responsibility.”             “ ** _You_** _take it_.”

 “The only thing the makes him worse, is **_you_**.”

       “You know what the scariest change is, it’s **YOU**.”

Even though she had had all the data, how come she hadn’t arrived to that conclusion sooner? She wanted to laugh at herself for being so stupid.

She had needed the wake up call, she really did.

Jemma took over the view before her; the illuminated windows of the buildings in front of her, the lights that came from the street below. The noises reached her just barely…it felt like being behind a glass, and she would know that.

Looking down gave her vertigo; she could hear the pumping of her heart in her ears, the hands gripping her trousers were slick with sweat, and she was trying her best to keep her breathing under control. The chilly wind against her face was the only pleasurable thing she felt.

Now that she knew what needed to be done, she was going to make things right, once and for all.

But first, she had to do one more thing. She owed him at least that.

She didn’t have anything to lose at that point, did she?

She took her phone from her pocket and dialed his number. Voice-mail started up, but she had predicted that – he was on a mission. An advantage for her – she really didn’t need him interrupting her once again.

She took a shaky breath and put the phone against her ear; her voice was even more shakier, but she didn’t care anymore.

“Hi, Fitz…it’s me…by the time you hear this – no, scratch that, it’s a cliché line.” She puffed out air in a resemblance of a laugh, pressing her fingers against the back of her eyes to get some clarity. She was never going to get _this_ right. “Listen, I just – I need to explain you some things, so bear with me for a minute. I’m sorry I couldn’t master the courage to tell you in person, but – but it doesn’t matter now. I guess I don’t have anything else to lose, so…

Yeah, the reason I left…I know that you think I couldn’t handle your change and that is mostly right, because I wasn’t able to do  _anything_  about it, to help you get through it. I tried and _tried_ …but I was completely _useless_.

And on top of that – after spending nine of the longest days of my life at your bedside not knowing if you would wake up, and after you did but were in so much  _pain_ and struggled so much…I knew that it was all my fault.  _I_  dragged you into all of this, you sacrifice yourself for  _me_ ; but I was  _not_   _worth_  it! Any of it! I could never be! And how could I handle that? How could I tell you this?! All you were going through would’ve been for  _nothing_!”

She had to stop and take a strangled breath, while tears started to spill from her eyes against her will.

“Still, all I wanted was to help you…but then I realized – I realized I was actually making you  _worse._ Apparently it wasn’t _enough_ that I had possibly ruined your life, that I couldn’t do anything to help you or release you from your pain, my  _very presence_  was damaging you and hindering your recovery...”

The sound that came out of her mouth then was probably a mix between a sob and a bitter laugh.

 “We were always able to fix _everything_ together…I tried all I could, for  _weeks_ , to make it that it was still so; I denied and denied what was right in front of my eyes, because I couldn’t  _believe_  it – I couldn’t _bring_ myself to believe it…but I  _had_  to face the truth at some point, for your sake. I wasn’t doing you any good, you both deteriorated in my presence and got more dependent on me every day. I had – _had_  to remove myself from the picture, to let you heal without the pressure of having to keep up with me, because I knew that near me the memory of how things were between us was too strong and you wanted – beat yourself up -  to live up to that standard…but you needed to get better at your own time and at  _your_   _own_  standard. Us,  _together_ , was the very thing that held you back. And it  _killed_  me..”

After a harsh intake of breath, she tried wiping the tears away from her face, strangling the sobs that threatened to come out of her throat by swallowing them.

 “So I went away – I left everything, and everyone, behind. I went to work for Hydra. I was doing it for you – so it didn’t matter if – if it broke my heart in the process. All – all the _loneliness_ …living in constant fear…going against my morals…It didn’t matter, it was _nothing;_ I beared it all, I would’ve beared even more, if it meant your recovery, your well being. Plus I thought – that even if I couldn’t help _you_ , at least I could do something useful for SHIELD…This is what kept me going.

But what does it say about my character, if I tell you that a part of me also hoped you _weren’t_ getting better? Because if you _did_ get better without me, it would’ve meant that I was right, that _I_ was your problem. That you didn’t need me…I’m pathetic, I know...” She closed her eyes, smiling bitterly. A few bips alerted her to the fact that the time for the message was up, but she wasn’t done yet, so she started a second one, hoping Fitz wouldn’t mind too much about having to listen to her for so long…

“In the end – even at Hydra I was useless…but at least you _have_ gotten better, my selfishness be damned. I got something out of that, at least.

And I’m so happy for you, so _proud_ of you, for making new friends and getting back on board…but I don’t know what _I’ve_ been doing since I got back. I had the ultimate proof, that I was bad for you…and yet I tried to get close to you again, because I couldn’t – _couldn’t_ let you go. But you hated me at that point, as you should – and I was _still_ the only one that made you worse. It’s – it’s been _hard_ – it’s hard to accept the fact that you’re the best person that ever happened to me, Fitz, but that I’m your worst.”

Now a bitter _laugh_ was needed. She brought her eyes down, to the street.

“…and I really don’t know what took me so long to get here. Illusion of usefulness, I guess…I really needed the wake up call, with the whole Skye situation - even Trip’s death wasn’t enough, figures. But _this_ felt the same like after you woke up; my best friend _suffering_ because of a change I couldn’t understand nor reverse, and all my attempt at helping being wrong…Yes, I needed this. Enough with the illusions. I should’ve came to this conclusion when I first realized I was making you worse…

It’s like I’ve never stopped being infected by the virus, and all along I’ve been slowly bringing down with me all the people around me…if my very _presence,_ along with all I do, keeps hurting the ones closer to me – this is the only logical conclusion. So you were right about wanting to protect yourself and Skye from me… _I’m_ the only plague around here.

I’ve been thinking – about what you told me, that I’m the scariest change. And I started wondering…where did that girl go, the one you knew and loved; the one always excited about the unknown, thirsty for knowledge and adventure, who went into the field without having passed the assessment because she was _sure_ she could do good in the world…

But of course, I know where she went. She’s at the bottom of the ocean, in a ruin of a med pod, looking up at the vast expanse of water above her head…and that’s where she should be.

You want that girl back, but it was her _own damn fault_ she was down there, and that she dragged _you_ down with her; it was her own naivety, foolishness, arrogance…and I’ve _tried_ making up for her – _my_ mistakes, by being stronger, wiser, harder…but it turns it was all for nothing. I’ve failed even more, time and time again; I keep hurting you, I couldn’t prevent Trip’s death, and now I can’t even find a way to help Skye …” She shook her head, the entire weight of her failures pressing down on her. She knew it was scientifically inaccurate, but she imagined how it would’ve brought her to the ground even faster.

“And the solution – or more a way to prevent further damage – I’ve realized is the same as it was back then with you; _remove myself from the picture_. But it’s not enough to get away, it was never enough. I need to _eradicate_ myself once and for all, should’ve done it a long time ago…The fact that I almost fell to my death twice _should’ve_ told me something, but I chose to ignore the hints and let myself live...”

She was sobbing by the time she uttered the next words.

“And I’m so – _so_ _sorry_. You really did sacrifice yourself for nothing. But I’m finally making things right, now. From tonight, I won’t be able to hurt you, any of you…ever again.”

She smiled through the tears at that, nodding to herself, while she sniffed loudly. Her phone started biping again…she had used up another message. She hadn’t realized how much she had been carried away; she had kind of told everything she needed…but no, there was a couple of other things…she hadn’t even said goodbye.

She debated a few seconds whether to put an end to it right then, but looking down she realized she couldn’t left even one thing hanging loose. She owed that to him and herself.

So she started a third message.

“But – but before I go - I just need to make one last thing absolutely clear; I _never_ thought of you anything less because of your injury…I was just worried it’d crush your spirit because you’ve always had such a low self-esteem, and only ever prided yourself in your intelligence – I was afraid you wouldn’t recognize all of your worth, and I’m _so_ glad you finally did. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known, Leopold Fitz, and I’m actually _quite_ offended that you’d think I would’ve stuck with you for _ten years_ of my life only because you could match my speed and finish my sentences…No, that was just the surface of our – partnership. We – _you_ were much more than that. You were the only person that ever _understood_ me, who shared my same passions, and that was _willing_ to put up with all my messiness and craziness…” The laugh this time felt almost real. Her broken voice unconsciously got softer. “…you were my first real friend, the only person with whom I could be myself…

And I miss that, I’ve missed _you_ … _so damn much_. But I get it now, you’ve made yourself clear… _I_ – I still held onto the hope that things could, at least to some extent, go back to how they were…that even if you’re different now, you were still _my_ Fitz, and you’d still want me by your side… it shouldn’t really be a surprise that you don’t, after all I’ve done to you, but…”

She was a mess at that point. She was full out crying, and she didn’t even know if her words were understandable anymore. But she couldn’t stop now.

“Ah, and I’d prefer not to, but I feel like I need to address what you said in the pod, even if you don’t feel that way anymore…

All this time I’ve never thought you liked me in that way, so that came so out of the blue…And while you were planning to _die_ in my stead, for god’s sake! You _couldn’t_ have chosen a worse moment! I didn’t know how to respond to that because I didn’t know how I felt. I _knew_ there’s not a person in the world I love more than you, but if that was to be taken romantically or not…I had no idea. And I haven’t had all this time. I tried my best _not_ to think about it, actually. I - I was _afraid_ to know, I guess, because if it turned out I didn’t feel the same way you did, then I would’ve lost you even further…

I’ll admit things seem more clear now, on this rooftop – not my voice or my head, that’s for sure, but I guess I understand now what is it about life and death situations that…but it’d be unfair of me to say anything at this point, since I know what it feels like to be at the other hand of this conversation...and it wouldn’t matter anyway, at this point.

So I’ll just say I’m sorry yet again – about everything. Tell the others, too. But you’ll all be much better without me – I promise.“

She swallowed down the lump in her throat and forced the last words out.

“…I really hope…that all my particles will go form something far better than me, Fitz…

Good – goodbye.”

She hung up and let the phone fall before she could think about doing it.  

She let herself go for a few more minutes, hiding her face behind her hands, shivering from head to toe.

At last she steadied herself and looked ahead, taking deep breaths and letting the wind dry her face. She didn’t feel fear.

No, she did; she was very afraid. But she felt _peaceful_ , for the first time in many, many months. So her last smile didn’t feel too much forced, and she closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the buildings, the lights, the street…suddenly it all vanished and something else took their place. It was fitting, really.

She jumped and let herself be swallowed by the sea.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is also on my tumblr: http://thelegendofacloudbender.tumblr.com/post/114601642676/swallowed-by-the-sea


	2. A clichè line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fitz recieves Simmons' messages. It's a lot to get in, all at once.  
> But what he isn't expecting is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From a one-shot, i decided to keep going. Here we have Fitz's POV, and even in the next chapter. Then, we'll see.  
> There shouldn't be more than five chapters in total, though. I still haven't written them, so i don't know for sure, currently.  
> This chapter came out rather long, and i fear it's a bit repetitive because Fitz is basically listening to what Jemma said last chapter, but i made him comment a lot, so that's should compensate. (Her speech is a bit edited, by the way, for those who have read the first chapter before i posted this, so if you notice some changes, i have already updated the previous chapter to make them corrispond)  
> 

Fitz started heading for his bunk. The mission, the easiest and most normal one they’ve had in a while, was finally over and the Bus was flying peacefully back to the Playground.

On the plane were just him, Coulson, who was in his office, May, who was piloting, and Skye, who had just gone into the box to sleep for the night; and it felt so much like old times, that something inside him ached. Probably his heart.

Two people were missing for it to be truly like old times, though; that traitor Ward…and his – no, not _his_ – Jem–Simmons. But he didn’t want to think about her at the moment. Or at any moment. He didn’t. He _wouldn’t_ think about her.

_Don’t think about her, don’t, do not, **do not** think about the way she used to smile while she wished you goodnight before she went back to her bunk, that’s the one down there – damn it. _

He fell on his bed face-first with a groan.

Jemma’s smiles at him were fake now; she wasn’t the last person to wish him goodnight the evening anymore, nor did she look at him the same way…because now she simply saw him as a broken thing she couldn’t fix, not a partner of her level, who had opinions and ideas worthy of her time…nor a friend, to share real smiles and laughter with…

He took a deep breath from his mouth, while he buried his face even further into the pillow, to hide even from himself the tears that he could feel had started collecting in his eyes. He almost asked himself yet again _why_ it all had had to end up that way – but he threw back the thought just in time.

 _Sleep_. He needed sleep. Just for the couple of hours it would’ve took them to get back to base. _Please_.

He heard his phone buzz on the nightstand. He groaned again.

He would ignore it; it was probably Skye with some funny text or some other unimportant things…it could wait.

When he didn’t hear anymore buzzes for the next couple seconds, however – in clear un-Skye fashion – he got curious. Maybe she wasn’t feeling alright and needed some comfort.

He got up on his knees and took the phone. And froze.

There was a voicemail message – no, _three_ messages - from _Jemma_.

He stared at her name on the display for a few heavy moments, while a lump formed in his throat.

Just a text would’ve been strange… a voice message even more – but _three_? Had she started saying something then stopped herself _twice_ till she got it right? And what could it _be_? It couldn’t be just _hi_ or something…and did she expect him to call back? And what would _he_ say then?

His heart started pumping at an exaggerated speed, compared to the gravity of the matter, _seriously_. It wasn’t that big of a deal, right?

He didn’t know what to do, couldn’t decide, so he acted on impulse and, sitting more comfortably on his bed, with the pillow behind his back, clicked on the first message.

 _"_ _Hi, Fitz…it’s me.”_

He had got the first word right, he mused with himself. He frowned, though, upon registering the tone of her voice. It sounded…strange. It tugged at some wires in his brain, but he couldn’t quite make sense of it. That unsettled him; unconsciously, his hands started shaking a bit, the phone rubbing softly against his ear.

“ _…by the time you hear this – no, scratch that, it’s a cliché line.”_ He heard her let out a snort.

What line? What was she going on about? His stupid brain couldn’t make sense of that either –   _she_ wasn’t making any sense (that had actually become quite the norm, lately) – and that unsettled him even further. He chose to set it aside, however, focusing on her next words instead.

_“Listen, I just – I need to explain you some things, so bear with me for a minute. I’m sorry I – I couldn’t master the courage to tell you in person, but –it doesn’t matter now. I guess I don’t have anything else to lose, so…”_

He wasn’t liking the sound of this at all. Anything to lose? Didn’t _matter_? And was she really going to explain him _things_ via _phone_? Why couldn’t she master the courage…was it really that hard to look at him in the face and be _honest_? She really thought he would break that easily?

_“…so, yeah…the reason I left.”_

Yes, she was really doing that.

She was going to tell him what he had craved to hear from her ever since she came back – in a bloody voicemail message! He couldn’t believe it. It was too absurd to even think about. If he hadn’t been hearing it with his own ears…

He had the urge to cut it off, but was too shocked to even move a muscle. His jaw hanged open.

“ _I know that you think I couldn’t handle your change…and that is mostly right”_

 _Ha!_ He had wanted her to admit it.

(Then why did it feel like someone had just punched him in the stomach?

It was probably because the fact that his ~~once~~ -best friend didn’t accept him as he was now would never stop hurting… )

He swallowed hard.

“… _because I wasn’t able to do_ _anything_ _about it, to help you get through it!_ _I tried and_ tried _…but I was completely_ useless _.”_

Wha - useless? She had just referred to herself as _useless_? That was the most ridiculous _…Jemma_ , useless _–_ the association felt so foreign in his mind he couldn’t get around to it… _He_ was the useless one, now! _Never_ in his life he would’ve thought he’d hear that concept be associated with Jemma Simmons, the _epitome_ of not-uselessness! How could she even think that?

And what did she mean she couldn’t do anything to help him…he seemed to remember (because that period tended to be rather foggy) that she had been the _only_ one able to help him, the only anchor he had had in that sea of – of despair the earlier period after he woke up had been…that, before she left, of course, before she _gave up_ on him (even after, if he admitted it to himself, but he didn’t want to think about his hallucinations).

What she was saying made absolutely no sense to him.

“ _And on top of that_ – _after spending nine of the longest days of my life at your bedside not knowing if you would wake up, and after you did but were in so much_ _pain_ _and struggled so much…I knew that it was all my fault.”_

Wait – what?

 _“_ _**I** _ _dragged you into all of this,_ **I** _didn’t stop you from pressing that button,”_

“Wha –Jem- What are you sayi-?!” Straightening himself, he found himself responding to the phone, wanting to put an end to that sudden flow of _absurdities_ …

” **I** _couldn’t swim faster_ _…you sacrificed yourself for_ **me** _…_ _but I was not_ worth _it! Any of it! I could never be!”_

“WAIT – stop saying that-!“

 _“And how could I handle that? How could I tell you this?! All you were going through would’ve been for_ nothing _!”_

 _Nothing_? Not worth it?? She – she was worth _everything_ to him! He had told her that, didn’t he?!

If she had just been there in front of him! If she had just talked to him in person, he would’ve told her that she was being entirely _ridiculous_ in feeling guilty about – it had been his _choice_ …wait, she felt _guilty?_ She thought it was _her fault_? Why did – how could she-?

All this new information flooding his mind was just too _much_. He could feel his brain starting to go in overload.  However, in spite of his eyes now going wide along with his mouth, his hands shaking gradually more and more…he couldn’t bring himself to stop listening.

 _“Still, all I wanted was to help you…but then I realized – I realized I was actually making you_ _worse.”_

_Worse_? What – what did she mean?

“ _Apparently_ _it wasn’t_ enough _that I had possibly ruined your life, that I couldn’t do anything to help you or release you from your pain, my_ _very presence_ _was damaging and hindering your recovery...”_

No, no, no, _no_ , **_no_** …that – that was _not_ true at all! It wasn’t… _couldn’t_ be…

Even thought he admitted that early period wasn’t very clear in his mind, clouded by the confusional state in which his brain had been…he couldn’t be that much mistaken, right? If he remembered her as the only clear thing – but which _her_ did he remember?

A sudden sense of dread overcame him. Staring at his left hand, he leaned his head back against the wall of his bunk; he then closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing and _think_.

No…it couldn’t be possible – what she was saying couldn’t be right. Her _absence_ had made him go pretty much insane, not her presence; _that_ he was sure of; and her being near him was all he had ever _wanted_ ever since…

He heard a strangled sound coming from the other end of the line; a sob? Was – was she crying? True or not – she had thought she was _damaging_ him…Could that be why-?

 _“We – we were always able to fix_ everything _together…”_

But they couldn’t fix _him_.

” _I tried all I could, for_ _weeks_ _, to make it that it was still so; I denied and denied what was right in front of my eyes, because I couldn’t _believe_  it, I couldn’t _bring _myself to believe it,_ _”_

Believe – believe that she was making him worse? She had fought against it? (And where was he when she debated such things…) 

_“but I had to face the truth at some point, for your sake. I wasn’t doing you any good; you both deteriorated in my presence and got more dependent on me everyday…”_

Had it really appeared like that to her? He knew it was harder getting the words out around her, but it was because he wanted to be perfect…to be the partner she deserved, again worthy of her brilliance…but because he _wasn’t_ … Still _he_ was the problem, not her! And he had been growing dependent of her? He had just – clinged to her for support, probably, yes, but what was so wrong about that…

” _I had –_ had _to remove myself from the picture”_

Removeherself…She had thought she was the problem and _removed_ herself… That – that was the reason – because _he_ couldn’t get himself together, she had thought it was _her_ fault and left…

He felt his throat contract. All this time, it was…because of that…?

_“to let you heal without the pressure of having to keep up with me,”_

_Pressure…keep up with her._ She thought she was a source of pressure he didn’t need in his life…

He felt a numbness paralyzing him; any form of coherent thought suddenly vanished in his mind. It was like the light that Jemma’s words was casting on things was blinding him in the process, and all he could see now was red.

His heart clenched; he could feel tears starting to collect in his eyes, for the second time in less than five minutes, but he didn’t have the strength to wipe them.

” _because I knew that near me the memory of how things were between us was too strong and you wanted – beat yourself up - to live up to that standard…”_

He had, he had, damnit! But wasn’t that what she wanted? For him to get back to how he was? It had been what _he_ wanted, for a long time…

 _”but you needed to get better at your own time and_ at your own _standard. Us,_ together _, was the very thing that held you back. And that_ killed _me.”_

He responded to the harsh intake of breath he heard come from her with one of his own.

Why…why hadn’t she told him any of this when he had _asked_ …why had she let him think it was because she had given up on him...

She had said she “couldn’t do this”. _Couldn’t_. Was it because she thought he couldn’t take it…or because _she_ couldn’t? The thought startled him.

He _knew_ her (or he thought he’d known her); but he hadn’t realized she had been feeling guilty. He hadn’t realized she had been putting all the blame on herself…that she had been beating herself up because she thought she hadn’t been helping him; it was just because he was hearing it now that…

What else had he missed? What about everything else that had been happening all around them? How did she _feel_ about that?

He had seen it, lately, how she’d been acting; going on a war against all the things she was once excited about, trying to suppress alien biology instead of wanting to learn more about it; being so scared and unreasonable about Skye’s condition…

She was never like that, she was better than that – Jemma was _brave_ , braver than he was; she always knew what was right, always had a clear head…And he had been so angry, frustrated, _disappointed_ at her for it…

But had he ever stopped to _think_ about what could have caused such a change? Even once? Ever stopped to consider was she was going through?

The realization that no, he had not…made him feel very ashamed of himself.

A lonely tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek till he could feel it in his mouth. Clenching and unclenching his bad hand, his mind fell in a sort of panic at the thought of _how much_ he could’ve missed…

_“And I couldn’t bear to tell you this, because I thought that if you came to the same conclusion I did, that I was bad for you…I don’t know, I just didn’t want to see the look on your face when you did…I didn’t want to lose you.”_

”Jemma…” Her name came out as a sob. He brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. She hadn’t wanted to _lose_ him, as in, she still wanted to be near him…?

  _“So I went away – I left everything, and everyone, behind. I went to work for Hydra. I was doing it_ for _you – so it didn’t matter if – if it broke my heart in the process. All – all the_ loneliness _…living in constant fear…going against my morals…It didn’t matter, it was_ nothing _; I beared it all, I would’ve beared even_ more _, if it meant your recovery, your well being..”_

What about _her_ well being? Didn’t she have any consideration for – but of _course_ she didn’t; and didn’t he know about that! Throwing herself in mortal danger like that, for _him_... if something had happened to her it would’ve been _his_ fault!

He hadn’t considered that she had been _alone_ , for _months_ , even more than he had been…What must had _that_ have been for her? What mark had that period left on her? What she felt _now_ about it? And he had been rubbing it in her face… but he had been so worried and _angry_ that she would lie to him about it…

He banged his head against the wall behind him, flinching at the pain, hating himself for his _selfishness_. Him, him, him …always him! And what a friend he was! Demanding that she had been there for him…when he hadn’t even _thought_ about what _she_ was going through! Always measuring her actions on how they affected _him_...

Sliding down until his head rested on the pillow, he tried to strangle the sobs that were threatening to burst through his chest at any moment, by hiding his face behind his arm.

 _“Plus I thought – that even if I couldn’t help_ you _, at least I could do something useful for SHIELD…This is what kept me going.”_

Jemma…always doing everything in her power…even going _beyond_ her powers; working herself out…

He had to pay more attention to her work schedule.

 _“ But what does it say about my character, if I tell you that a part of me also hoped you_ weren’t _getting better? Because if you_ did _get better without me, it would’ve meant that I was right, that_ I _was your problem. That you didn’t need me…I’m pathetic, I know...”_

“No, no, _no_ , _no_ , _no_ …” He started repeating this under his breath, like a mantra. He thought that if he kept that up, the words would eventually reach her, so that she would stop uttering or even _thinking_ those things. _He_ was the pathetic one…and _she had wanted to be near him_ …

When he didn’t hear more words come, he realized the first message was over. He stared at his phone, debating whether to keep listening or not.

It still felt wrong, he still would’ve preferred they talked in person…but knowing it would still take a couple of hours for the Bus to get to her, and thinking that maybe, if he knew what she wanted to say beforehand, things would be simpler to sort out later – he convinced himself to keep going.

_“In the end even at Hydra I was useless…”_

Again calling herself that…He shook his head, exasperated.

” _but at least you_ have _gotten better, my selfishness be damned.“_

Selfishness? She didn’t have a single selfish bone in her body, that ridiculous woman, he could swear…

But he hadn’t gotten better without her; actually, the only was he had been able to get by was because he had kept imagining her at his side…

He hadn’t planned on telling her about it, about his hallucinations, _ever_ …but if it made her stop thinking that her being away was ever a solution, an acceptable option…

But what if she took it as if her period at Hydra and all she had done for him had been for nothing…no, he couldn’t make her believe that. Even if he would’ve preferred – oh, how much – that she had never gone away…that had been a big deal for her, something she had thought had been right, he couldn’t strip her of that…

_“I got something out of that, at least.”_

Yeah, he couldn’t.

Even if it still stinked like a betrayal, even if it would always be like a black stain in their relationship…he had to forgive her for it. If he wanted to patch things up with her, he had to.

And he would. He would forgive her, always.

(And knowing the reason behind it, he felt like a thorn had been pulled out of his chest. And he actually thought, for the first time in a long while, that it wouldn’t even be that hard. If only she had just told him earlier…But he would discuss it with her, later. He had never felt more sure about it.

S _he still wanted to be near him_.)

“ _And I’m so happy for you, so_ proud _of you, for making new friends and getting back on board…”_

She was _proud_ of him…

Against his will, he felt a corner of his mouth stretch up, while another tear rolled down.                                  

 _“but I don’t know what_ I’ve _been doing since I got back._ _I had the ultimate proof, that I was bad for you…”_

She could _never_ be bad for him, damnit!

He felt again the sting of frustration about his inability to _talk_ to her right now.

 _“and yet I tried to get close to you again, because I just couldn’t –_ couldn’t _let you go_. _”_

She had wanted to be near him.

It didn’t matter how many times he kept repeating it, his brain was still trying to get around to it…

She hadn’t kept doing it out of pity, or because she thought she owed him; she had actually…tried to get back to him.

But he had been so sure…everything had seemed to point at it.

And he had tried to push her away to give her an escape route; to let her be brilliant without him holding her down, because he knew she was too good to do it herself…

But all along she had thought _she_ was holding _him_ down…and they had wanted the same thing?

He inhaled sharply, swallowing another lump in his throat. Such – such idiot they had been…

 _“But you hated me at that point, as you should_ ”

“Wait – no-”

 “ _and I was_ still _the only one that made you worse. Everyone could see that.”_

Everyone what?!

 _“It’s – it’s been_ hard _– it’s hard to accept the fact that you’re the best person that ever happened to me, Fitz, but that I’m your worst.”_

“ _No_ , damnit!”

Bolting upright, he had the sudden urge to punch something, _shout_ at someone…a very specific someone. He put his feet on the ground, no longer able to lie down.

How _long_ would it take them to arrive? He couldn’t take this anymore!  

_“And I really don’t know what took me so long to get here. Illusion of usefulness, I guess…”_

The sudden change of topic took him by surprise.

Took her long to get _where_? Was she not at the Playground…or was she talking metaphorically? Then what –and illusion of…? She was again making no sense. His heart started racing faster.

“ _I really needed the wake up call, with the whole Skye situation - even Trip’s death wasn’t enough, figures.”_

He felt the hair at the back of his neck stand up. Mention of Skye and Trip?

Now, even the uneasyfeeling he had felt at the start, came back…

What – what was it that had pushed her to finally tell him this things, in the first place? And a wake up call…to what? He yet again felt like the answers were just beyond his reach, but still couldn’t get to them…

 _“But_ this _felt the same like after you woke up; my best friend_ suffering _because of a change I couldn’t understand nor reverse, and all my attempt at helping being_ wrong _…”_

He had accused her of not being able to handle his change…but if she had done all those things for him, and had been trying so hard _..._ andwith Skye, too, she had been _trying_ , and he was now more sure than he had been before that at least she _meant_ well…

Could it be that _he_ was being the unreasonable one? He had always listened to her opinions, especially about science, then why was he assuming everything she had been doing was wrong?

_“Yes, I needed this. Enough with the illusions. I should’ve came to this conclusion when I realized I was making you worse.”_

A – what kind of conclusion? He was getting more and more confused…

 _“It’s like I’ve never stopped being infected by the virus, and all along I’ve been slowly bringing down with me all the people around me…if my very_ presence _, along with all I do, keeps hurting the ones closer to me – this is the_ only _logical conclusion, even.”_

What the hell? Why did she bring up the virus, of all things?!

She wasn’t _infected_ …she wasn’t bringing anyone down…

Everything she was saying sounded so out of place that even more alarm bells started ringing in his ears.

She had said something at the start…something about some cliché lines…and her tone of voice had been strangely familiar…

 _“So you were right about wanting to protect yourself and Skye from me…_ I’m _the only plague around here.”_

“Wait! No, I didn’t mean – “

He hadn’t tried to protect Skye from _her_ – okay, maybe he did, but it was because she – he had just thought that – and he had tried to _apologize_ …

And why was she calling herself a _plague_?

He stood up, restless, and started pacing the little space between his bed and the door of his bunk. His hands had become very sweaty; he suddenly felt anxious beyond belief. There was something he was missing!

_“I’ve been thinking – about what you told me, that I’m the scariest change.”_

No, not this, too…

 _“And I started wondering…where did that girl go, the one you knew and loved; the one always excited about the unknown, thirsty for knowledge and adventure, who went into the field without having passed the assessment because she was_ sure _she could do good in the world…”_

Her small voice, her nostalgic words, made his heart clench…

He missed that girl, yes, but – what kind of hypocrite he had been! How could he expect her to accept his change if he couldn’t accept _hers_? If he wanted her to be exactly the same after all they’ve been through!

He wanted so desperately to apologize to her for that, to _hit_ himself for ever saying those things…

” _But of course, I know where she went.”_

He knew it too. His old self was there, too.

_“She’s at the bottom of the ocean, in a ruin of a med pod, looking up at the vast expanse of water above her head…and that’s where she should be. You want that girl back…”_

So _sorry –_

 _“but it was her_ own damn fault _she was down there, and that she dragged_ you _down with her; it was her own naivety, foolishness, arrogance…”_

Again with the blaming herself! He had been in it, too…if it wasn’t for him still wanting to trust Ward…

It hurt hearing her talk so badly about herself. But hadn’t she, since the start of the messages?

He let out a sigh of frustration.

” _and I’ve tried making up for her –_ my _mistakes, by being stronger, wiser, harder…”_

That explained some of her changes...and it _did_ actually make sense; he had tried to do basically the same.

” _but as it turns out, it was all for nothing. I’ve failed even more, time and time again; I keep hurting you, I couldn’t prevent Trip’s death, and now I can’t even find a way to help Skye…”_

It wasn’t everything on her! She didn’t have – _couldn’t_ do everything! And even if not all she was doing was right, she wasn’t _failing_. They were all trying to get by, things were so complicated…

But she thought she was, and he knew how she _felt_ about failure…she was such a perfectionist…

And how much had he made things harder for her? How much had he been jabbing, lashing out at her, for every single thing? _How much_ had he been adding to her plate?

_“And the solution – or more a way to prevent further damage – I’ve realized is the same as it was back then with you; remove myself from the picture.”_

…Of – of _course_! She – she was leaving…she was _leaving_ again! All that talk about being a plague and hurting those around her…the very reason why she was telling him this things! She was saying goodbye…

No, no! He couldn’t let her! He couldn’t let her get away from him again…

He slammed the door open, rushing towards Coulson’s office while calculating the time from when she had left the last message (it was ten at most – she could still be at the Playground, if she had left it while she was still there…).

Still he kept listening, hoping her next words would’ve proved him wrong.

“ _But it’s not enough to get away, it was never enough.”_

Wha-?

 _“I need to_ eradicate _myself once and for all, should’ve done it a long time ago…”_

He stopped in his tracks; he was halfway on the stairs to the office.

A sense of exhilaration caught him – he had the sudden urge to laugh.

She was joking, right? She couldn’t really be considering…

“ _The fact that I almost fell to my death_ twice _should’ve told me something, but I chose to ignore the hints and let myself live...”_

A cold terror enveloped him like a shroud.

“COULSON! SKYE! COME DOWN, _NOW_!” His shout was a shriek; it left his throat dry.

Feeling weak in his bones, his vision blurry, his brain the only thing functioning, he rushed down the stairs on adrenaline alone, heading for the central table. There was – still time…

 _“And I’m so –_ so _sorry. You really did sacrifice yourself for nothing. But I’m finally making things right, now. From tonight, I won’t be able to hurt you, any of you…ever again.”_

**_“Antiserum, yes…you finally got it right, Fitz. I’m so sorry.”_ **

 That tone…of voice…

**_“Hi, Fitz, it’s me. By the time you hear this…”_ **

A cliché line…

_I will be gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Will Fitz get to her in time? Stay tuned.  
> (Also i know there is another message to listen to, but this was getting exaggeratedly long, plus Fitz now has other things to worry about, doesn't he? ;) We'll get to that later )  
> \---  
> On my tumblr: http://thelegendofacloudbender.tumblr.com/post/115951802546/swallowed-by-the-sea-ch-2


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